Mullet Classifications Part II

In the first post, we saw the first three of six common mullets.

Research provided by the ever-glorious, yet sadly defunct Mullets Galore.

Enough chit-chat, on with the curating:

4. businessmullet a.k.a. safety cut: These mullets want it all. Business in the front, party in the back.

When at work, their mulletude offends and annoys their coworkers, but luckily (and not coincidentally) these mullets are rarely in any position of real power (though they tend to think they are).

Interesting creatures, their hair is short enough not to offend the boss (not really) but long enough to keep their mulleted comrades from being suspicious.

On a side note, this guy got really pissed off and told me to take his picture down. I did it for a while, hoping to get another specimen. What do I care what he wants? I think the average citizen needs to see what the businessmullet looks like in order to prevent date rape. Plus I’m tired of people telling me that his picture is missing.

*picture modified over 50%

Mulletude: 5
Aggressiveness: 3
Hobbies: sexual harassment, masturbating to kiddie porn.
Sightings: financial districts, strip clubs.
Favorite Band: Joe Cocker


5. minitruckmullet: Thought to be extinct in 1994, the minitruckmullet is a rare sighting indeed, usually too wily to be caught on camera.

The minitruckmullet has only the bottom part of his hairline on the base of his her neck long.

The preferred attire of this species is Oakley Razorblade sunglasses, a turtleneck shirt with a gold cross and chain (hanging proudly), accompanied by tight fitting Guess? jeans.

The vehicle owned by the minitruckmullet almost always has a lame slogan airbrushed on the tailgate (“U Snooz, U Looz,” “Teal Dream” etc.) and a “No Fear,” “Fear This,” or Calvin Pissing sticker.

Mulletude: 6
Aggressiveness: 7
Hobbies: cruising the Taco Bell parking lot at lunch time for High school chicks, bothering pedestrians.
Sightings: performance auto parts stores, the mall.
Favorite Band: Vanilla Ice


8. ultimullet: This mullet is the mullet to end all mullets.

I can only imagine the time and care it took this man to grow a mullet of this caliber.

Why this mullet is in a ponytail, I don’t know, perhaps to accentuate the hair on his back emanating from the depths of his T-shirt.

Or he could have gone through a metamorphosis which many mullets do during the summer in order do store the mulletude in the actual mullet for the long winter which lies ahead.

Mulletude: 10
Aggressiveness: 10
Hobbies: none. They live for the mullet.
Sightings: shitty family oriented places: amusement parks, air shows etc.
Favorite Band: Slayer

Note: Slayer is good.